Have you ever been in that situation, where you lost total confidence of yourself, you start putting on a mask and wish no one can ever guess what you are really thinking in your mind, or feeling in your heart?
It is a state of inferior complex due to whatever had happened from past experience, or maybe a few incidents that caused every single part of you to feel degenerated. The key word here is to "feel" degenerated. Feeling does not equal to being so, it's just a state of mind that requires fine-tuning, and having the courage to reach out once again for the stars.
White lies, stories and cover up is what a weak person will use to come across, seemingly way stronger than others, to hide their weakness and hide their lack of courage. It could be a sense of dis-belief in oneself, or maybe a temporary loss of hope in him/herself.
This article is all about coming face to face with the person you see when you stand in front of the mirror every morning, instead of putting on that different masks every morning, every hour of the day, it's time to stay true, minimally, to yourself. Yes you, the one you see in the mirror. =)
The three words, "I am sorry" is not the easiest words to utter or say out of a person's mouth. Learn how to say, "I am sorry" to myself for all the hurt and trauma you have caused to yourself, instead of saying sorry to the person you seemingly hurt. Be truly sorry to yourself. Being sorry to yourself, is not the same as self pity, nor the same as being sorry for yourself. It's a simple three words to say to yourself that you know you have faulted and hurt yourself, and it's time to accept and move on.
Being through a stage of self-frustration will definitely follow. A million questions "why".. all these would not matter at all, because knowing the answers to whys, will only cause the wound to be deepen, thus it will definitely be harder to recover. Learn how to walk away from asking why, learn to accept that things are this way, because of mistakes that human makes, all human makes mistakes right?
Saying "I am sorry" to yourself, helps you to release that guiltiness you feel towards everyone, and release the remorseful pain buried in your heart.
It will definitely take quite a while in order to stop thinking, and stop getting troubled by the tons of questions that has been haunting you, but remember, if you don't start doing so, you will just be stepping on the same spot, jogging on it.. running on it. It ain't healthy.
Human errs, people who does not forgive people who makes mistakes will never learn how to forgive themselves too. Knowing how to say sorry to yourself, will aid you in forgiving that one person who have caused you pain/damages.
Live on, it's all about getting there.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Stalking & Self-Deception
It has been a little while since my last post, took a little break from GULB due to work and my personal activities, but I am back with my bits of lovin' and this article will concentrate on how Self-deception leads to Stalking.
Definition please:
Stalking is a term used to describe unwanted attention by individuals (and sometimes groups of people) to others.
Why Stalking & Self-Deception? or how do Self-deception leads to stalking?
Remember the last time you updated yourself daily or even hourly with information of your ex boyfriend/girlfriend by referring to their blogs, Facebook, Friendster, Twitter etc. If you remember that you are doing it too often, this is commonly referred to a behavior, which is “Internet Stalking”. This behavior is definitely common in nowadays as the information are always readily available over the World Wide Net, and it is a temptation that is hard to resist, you want to know what is going on, you want to know whether they have moved on, whether they are still thinking about you, all these information will cause you to be emotionally insecure and unstable for a while or maybe a long while. I would want to voice out on this; this is extremely unhealthy especially if you have just recently broken up with the person you are “I-stalking”.
Why did I link the word Self-deception to stalking?
This is a true encounter that made me realize the above question, the notion of self-deception leading to stalking.
She self blamed herself for being a burden, she was afraid of being a burden, thus she decided to let go of a relationship, her first love. After that, she hopes to be a good friend to him, read his blog every single day, wanted to know what was going on in his life, wanted to still feel connected to him -> “I-stalking”.. She knew it was wrong, because shortly after the break-up, she got into another relationship.
Self deceiving herself, she allowed herself to indulge in intimacy with her boyfriend then, indulge in the love care and concern that her boyfriend was providing for her, but in her heart, she is lying to herself, because she was still deeply in love, with her first love, who she was still trying hard to relate to every single minute and day of her life.
After a year of self-denial and self deceiving, she finally decided to let go of the one who was true to her, blamed him for his lack of concern and care, and she pluck up her courage, to look him up (her first love) after 1 year of “I-stalking”. Rejection came… she realize that she can get neither of both guys back anymore, she fell into a depression.
Do we call this “greed” or human nature who believes that they always deserve something better; when what they are already getting is already enough to satisfy their emotional appetite? This brings us back to the point that I always emphasize on, to be contented with what you have.
Shortly after realizing that it could be easier to get the 2nd guy instead of her first love back, she decided to intensively “i-stalk” the 2nd guy, while constantly stalking her first love. Her life revolved around the latest happening of what is happening to the 2 guys who was once part of her life. She got aggressive, she began to hurl abuses at the girls who got close to them, and bad mouth them, feeling that they weren’t worthy. She got upset, and wanted to know whether do any one of these two guys actually miss her, she lived in self-denial and refuse to admit the fact that, they have moved on, leaving her beside, stepping in the same spot, blaming herself all the time for the failure of the relationships that she was holding dearly in her heart.
Was it loneliness that made her feel this way? Or was her inferior complex acting up? Or did she did all these, just wanting to feel wanted?
Either ways, I feel sorry for her and I sincerely hope that she can move on well in life, even though I really despise the fact that she allows herself to be betray her own body, soul and mind. I pray that the next rain, will cleanse your soul and your weary mind, to help you to think clearer of what you want in your life.
My advice:
Self-deception is never healthy, NEVER. Please do not let loneliness drive you to doing things that will eventually hurt yourself, be it physically or emotionally. Get over the previous relationship before getting into a new one, because you do realize the fact that, you might end up hurting all three parties. Stay single for a while, break away from all the information feed over the internet, and move on. Refer to my article: “Coping with Pain”.
For those who are in the above scenario and require personal self advices, remember geturlifeback@gmail.com is always here to help you heal the broken soul of yours, to help you get your life back.
Definition please:
Stalking is a term used to describe unwanted attention by individuals (and sometimes groups of people) to others.
Why Stalking & Self-Deception? or how do Self-deception leads to stalking?
Remember the last time you updated yourself daily or even hourly with information of your ex boyfriend/girlfriend by referring to their blogs, Facebook, Friendster, Twitter etc. If you remember that you are doing it too often, this is commonly referred to a behavior, which is “Internet Stalking”. This behavior is definitely common in nowadays as the information are always readily available over the World Wide Net, and it is a temptation that is hard to resist, you want to know what is going on, you want to know whether they have moved on, whether they are still thinking about you, all these information will cause you to be emotionally insecure and unstable for a while or maybe a long while. I would want to voice out on this; this is extremely unhealthy especially if you have just recently broken up with the person you are “I-stalking”.
Why did I link the word Self-deception to stalking?
This is a true encounter that made me realize the above question, the notion of self-deception leading to stalking.
She self blamed herself for being a burden, she was afraid of being a burden, thus she decided to let go of a relationship, her first love. After that, she hopes to be a good friend to him, read his blog every single day, wanted to know what was going on in his life, wanted to still feel connected to him -> “I-stalking”.. She knew it was wrong, because shortly after the break-up, she got into another relationship.
Self deceiving herself, she allowed herself to indulge in intimacy with her boyfriend then, indulge in the love care and concern that her boyfriend was providing for her, but in her heart, she is lying to herself, because she was still deeply in love, with her first love, who she was still trying hard to relate to every single minute and day of her life.
After a year of self-denial and self deceiving, she finally decided to let go of the one who was true to her, blamed him for his lack of concern and care, and she pluck up her courage, to look him up (her first love) after 1 year of “I-stalking”. Rejection came… she realize that she can get neither of both guys back anymore, she fell into a depression.
Do we call this “greed” or human nature who believes that they always deserve something better; when what they are already getting is already enough to satisfy their emotional appetite? This brings us back to the point that I always emphasize on, to be contented with what you have.
Shortly after realizing that it could be easier to get the 2nd guy instead of her first love back, she decided to intensively “i-stalk” the 2nd guy, while constantly stalking her first love. Her life revolved around the latest happening of what is happening to the 2 guys who was once part of her life. She got aggressive, she began to hurl abuses at the girls who got close to them, and bad mouth them, feeling that they weren’t worthy. She got upset, and wanted to know whether do any one of these two guys actually miss her, she lived in self-denial and refuse to admit the fact that, they have moved on, leaving her beside, stepping in the same spot, blaming herself all the time for the failure of the relationships that she was holding dearly in her heart.
Was it loneliness that made her feel this way? Or was her inferior complex acting up? Or did she did all these, just wanting to feel wanted?
Either ways, I feel sorry for her and I sincerely hope that she can move on well in life, even though I really despise the fact that she allows herself to be betray her own body, soul and mind. I pray that the next rain, will cleanse your soul and your weary mind, to help you to think clearer of what you want in your life.
My advice:
Self-deception is never healthy, NEVER. Please do not let loneliness drive you to doing things that will eventually hurt yourself, be it physically or emotionally. Get over the previous relationship before getting into a new one, because you do realize the fact that, you might end up hurting all three parties. Stay single for a while, break away from all the information feed over the internet, and move on. Refer to my article: “Coping with Pain”.
For those who are in the above scenario and require personal self advices, remember geturlifeback@gmail.com is always here to help you heal the broken soul of yours, to help you get your life back.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Toy Soldiers
This post will be repeated both here and at GULB's blog. -> www.geturlifeback.blogspot.com
Yesterday on the way home... and one of the songs that used to be my favourite a long long time ago was playing over the radio...
The thing about me, is I will get attracted to a song, because of the lyrics, and the meaning and feelings that the singer is trying to convey through her voice, through the lyrical sound...
Bringing to you the lyrics of the song, Toy Soldiers by Martika
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uKQMTXt9hw
It wasn't my intention to mislead you
It never should have been this way
What can I say
It's true, I did extend the invitation
I never knew how long you'd stay
When you hear temptation call
It's your heart that takes, takes the fall
(Won't you come out and play with me)
(Chorus)
Step by step
Heart to heart
Left, right, left
We all fall down
Like toy soldiers
Bit by bit
Torn apart
We never win
But the battle wages on
For Toy soldiers
It's getting hard to wake up in the morning
My head is spinning constantly
How can it be?
How could I be so blind to this addiction?
If I don't stop, the next one's gonna be me
Only emptiness remains
It replaces all, all the pain
(Won't you come out and play with me)
My interpretation of this song if i were the singer:
This love was a forbidden love, a love that i should not have tried for, neither should i fight for it.
I did, and i really wanted it, and i know, that it is not going to last, but i still want it, because, just the little bit of comfort, might be enough, for me to last this lifetime.
I know, that I am a temptation to you, it could have not be me, and someone else could be a temptation... but is it because you are just too weak? or because the love between you and her... the bond that you claimed, you sure it's strong? Because, it's all in the heart... emotions runs like blood in your body...
If we carry on, yes.. we will just all fall down, get torn apart, get hurt like toy soldiers. we might end up emotionaless... without strength or will to carry on, because we are nothing, we are lifeless.
You are just like an addiction, i just cannot get enough, i just keep wanting more, even though i know that.. one day, I will just be the one, who will be left in a pool of blood.. and might even probably felt that it was all worth it to suffer from the karma from the bad things that i have done... and yup.. end up lifeless.
This song, is a song that i feel deeply within my heart, because, it will definitely makes someone strengthless to face up to reality, to face the music of whatever cheating, or lying relationships...
You see, temptations are always around, if today you are with someone, and you suddenly do feel for another person as well, there is nothing wrong, this are the chemical reactions in our body, this are real feelings that we do experience some times in life, please do not fault yourself for it.
How do you get over the "double" feeling?
You see, the key about falling for two person, is that you really have to be upright and honest to yourself, who do you really need in your life, who can you forsee in your future. Notice i didn't say, who you want. Because, wants and needs are different. You have to need someone to know the importance.
*key important factor here, i said falling and having feelings for two person at the same time, irregardless of whether you are committed to a relationship/marriage or what nots.. FALLING NOT SLEEPING... see the things why i say falling and not sleeping, because sex, it complicates things. so that will be another topic all together.
So yup, i just wanted to share this song, because all you double hearted people out there, feel the lyrics, feel the song and you will know how much you are hurting both of them when you are thinking about both.
Not everyone can be selfless... yes, like i said, love is never competitive, it should be selfless... but it doesn't mean that selfless people does not feel pain.. we do.. because we are still human. :)
Yesterday on the way home... and one of the songs that used to be my favourite a long long time ago was playing over the radio...
The thing about me, is I will get attracted to a song, because of the lyrics, and the meaning and feelings that the singer is trying to convey through her voice, through the lyrical sound...
Bringing to you the lyrics of the song, Toy Soldiers by Martika
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uKQMTXt9hw
It wasn't my intention to mislead you
It never should have been this way
What can I say
It's true, I did extend the invitation
I never knew how long you'd stay
When you hear temptation call
It's your heart that takes, takes the fall
(Won't you come out and play with me)
(Chorus)
Step by step
Heart to heart
Left, right, left
We all fall down
Like toy soldiers
Bit by bit
Torn apart
We never win
But the battle wages on
For Toy soldiers
It's getting hard to wake up in the morning
My head is spinning constantly
How can it be?
How could I be so blind to this addiction?
If I don't stop, the next one's gonna be me
Only emptiness remains
It replaces all, all the pain
(Won't you come out and play with me)
My interpretation of this song if i were the singer:
This love was a forbidden love, a love that i should not have tried for, neither should i fight for it.
I did, and i really wanted it, and i know, that it is not going to last, but i still want it, because, just the little bit of comfort, might be enough, for me to last this lifetime.
I know, that I am a temptation to you, it could have not be me, and someone else could be a temptation... but is it because you are just too weak? or because the love between you and her... the bond that you claimed, you sure it's strong? Because, it's all in the heart... emotions runs like blood in your body...
If we carry on, yes.. we will just all fall down, get torn apart, get hurt like toy soldiers. we might end up emotionaless... without strength or will to carry on, because we are nothing, we are lifeless.
You are just like an addiction, i just cannot get enough, i just keep wanting more, even though i know that.. one day, I will just be the one, who will be left in a pool of blood.. and might even probably felt that it was all worth it to suffer from the karma from the bad things that i have done... and yup.. end up lifeless.
This song, is a song that i feel deeply within my heart, because, it will definitely makes someone strengthless to face up to reality, to face the music of whatever cheating, or lying relationships...
You see, temptations are always around, if today you are with someone, and you suddenly do feel for another person as well, there is nothing wrong, this are the chemical reactions in our body, this are real feelings that we do experience some times in life, please do not fault yourself for it.
How do you get over the "double" feeling?
You see, the key about falling for two person, is that you really have to be upright and honest to yourself, who do you really need in your life, who can you forsee in your future. Notice i didn't say, who you want. Because, wants and needs are different. You have to need someone to know the importance.
*key important factor here, i said falling and having feelings for two person at the same time, irregardless of whether you are committed to a relationship/marriage or what nots.. FALLING NOT SLEEPING... see the things why i say falling and not sleeping, because sex, it complicates things. so that will be another topic all together.
So yup, i just wanted to share this song, because all you double hearted people out there, feel the lyrics, feel the song and you will know how much you are hurting both of them when you are thinking about both.
Not everyone can be selfless... yes, like i said, love is never competitive, it should be selfless... but it doesn't mean that selfless people does not feel pain.. we do.. because we are still human. :)
Friday, March 20, 2009
Abandoholism...
Abandoholism
You’ve heard of food-oholism, work-oholism, shop-oholism and, of course, alcoholism. Now here comes another, most insidious, addictive pattern – aband-oholism. Abandoholism is a tendency to become attracted to unavailable partners. Many abandonment survivors are caught up in this painful pattern. Abandoholism is similar to the other ‘oholisms, but instead of being addicted to a substance, you’re addicted to the emotional drama of heartbreak. You pursue hard-to-get partners to keep the romantic intensity going, and to keep your body’s love-chemicals and stress hormones flowing.
What makes someone an abandoholic?
Abandoholism sets in when you’ve been hurt so many times that you’ve come to equate insecurity with love. Unless you’re pursuing someone you’re insecure about, you don’t feel in love.
Conversely, when someone comes along who wants to be with you, that person’s availability fails to arouse the required level of insecurity. If you can’t feel those yearning, lovesick feelings, then you don’t feel attracted, so you keep pursuing unavailable partners.
You become psychobiologically addicted to the high stakes drama of an emotional challenge and the love-chemicals that go with it. Abandoholism is driven by both fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment.
When you’re attracted to someone, it arouses a fear of losing that person. This fear causes you to become clingy and needy. You try to hide your insecurity, but your desperation shows through, causing your partners to lose romantic interest in you. They sense your emotional suction cups aiming straight toward them and it scares them away.
Fear of engulfment is at the opposite end of the spectrum. It occurs when someone is pursuing you and now you’re the one pulling back. You feel engulfed by that person’s desire to be with you. When fear of engulfment kicks in, you panic. Your feelings shut down. You no longer feel the connection. The panic is about your fear of being engulfed by the other person’s emotional expectations of you. You fear that the other person’s feelings will pressure you to abandon your own romantic needs.
Fear of engulfment is one of the most common causes for the demise of new relationships, but it is carefully disguised in excuses like: "He just doesn’t turn me on." Or "I don’t feel any chemistry." Or "She’s too nice to hold my interest." Or "I need more of a challenge." Abandoholics tend to swing back and forth between fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. You’re either pursuing hard-to-get-lovers, or you’re feeling turned off by someone who IS interested in you.
What is Abando-phobism?
Abandophobics are so afraid of rejection that they avoid relationships altogether.Abandophobics act out their fear of abandonment by remaining socially isolated, or by appearing to search for someone, when in fact they are pursuing people who are unattainable, all to avoid the risk of getting attached to a real prospect – someone who might abandon them sooner or later. There is a little abandophobism in every abandoholic. For both abandoholics and abandophobics, a negative attraction is more compelling than a positive one.You only feel attracted when you’re in pursuit. You wouldn’t join any club who would have you as a member, so you’re always reaching for someone out of reach.
How do abandoholism and abandophobism set in?
These patterns may have been cast in childhood. You struggled to get more attention from your parents but you were left feeling unfulfilled, which caused you to doubt your self-worth. Over time, you internalized this craving for approval and you learned to idealize others at your own expense. This became a pattern in your love-relationships.Now as an adult, you recreate this scenario by giving your love-partners all of your power, elevating them above yourself, recreating those old familiar yearnings you grew accustomed to as a child. Feeling emotionally deprived and "less-than" is what you’ve come to expect.
Why does the insecurity linger?
Recent scientific research shows that rather than dissipate, fear tends to incubate, gaining intensity over time. Insecurity increases with each romantic rejection, causing you to look to others for something you’ve become too powerless to give yourself: esteem. When you seek acceptance from a withholding partner, you place yourself in a one-down position, recreating the unequal dynamics you had with your parents or peers. You choreograph this scenario over and over.Conversely, you are unable to feel anything when someone freely admires or appreciates you.This abandonment compulsion is insidious. You didn’t know it was developing. Until now you didn’t have a name for it: Abandoholism is a new concept.
Insecurity is an aphrodisiac.
If you are a hard-core abandoholic, you’re drawn to a kind of love that is highly combustible. The hottest sex is when you’re trying to seduce a hard-to-get lover. Insecurity becomes your favorite aphrodisiac. These intoxicated states are produced when you sense emotional danger – the danger of your lover’s propensity to abandon you the minute you get attached. At the other end of the seesaw, you turn off and shut down when you happen to successfully win someone’s love. If your lover succumbs to your charms – heaven forbid – you suddenly feel too comfortable, too sure of him to stay interested. There’s not enough challenge to sustain your sexual energy. You interpret your turn-off as his not being right for you.
How about following your gut?
If you’re an abandoholic, following your gut is probably what got you into these patterns in the first place. Your gut gets you to pursue someone who makes your heart go pitter pat, not because he’s the right one, but because he arouses fear of abandonment. And your gut gets you to avoid someone who is truly trustworthy, because he doesn’t press the right insecurity buttons.Enrich your mind. Follow your wisdom. But until you overcome your abandonment compulsion, don’t follow your gut – it will only get you into trouble
– because your gut tells you that unavailable people are attractive.
You’ve heard of food-oholism, work-oholism, shop-oholism and, of course, alcoholism. Now here comes another, most insidious, addictive pattern – aband-oholism. Abandoholism is a tendency to become attracted to unavailable partners. Many abandonment survivors are caught up in this painful pattern. Abandoholism is similar to the other ‘oholisms, but instead of being addicted to a substance, you’re addicted to the emotional drama of heartbreak. You pursue hard-to-get partners to keep the romantic intensity going, and to keep your body’s love-chemicals and stress hormones flowing.
What makes someone an abandoholic?
Abandoholism sets in when you’ve been hurt so many times that you’ve come to equate insecurity with love. Unless you’re pursuing someone you’re insecure about, you don’t feel in love.
Conversely, when someone comes along who wants to be with you, that person’s availability fails to arouse the required level of insecurity. If you can’t feel those yearning, lovesick feelings, then you don’t feel attracted, so you keep pursuing unavailable partners.
You become psychobiologically addicted to the high stakes drama of an emotional challenge and the love-chemicals that go with it. Abandoholism is driven by both fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment.
When you’re attracted to someone, it arouses a fear of losing that person. This fear causes you to become clingy and needy. You try to hide your insecurity, but your desperation shows through, causing your partners to lose romantic interest in you. They sense your emotional suction cups aiming straight toward them and it scares them away.
Fear of engulfment is at the opposite end of the spectrum. It occurs when someone is pursuing you and now you’re the one pulling back. You feel engulfed by that person’s desire to be with you. When fear of engulfment kicks in, you panic. Your feelings shut down. You no longer feel the connection. The panic is about your fear of being engulfed by the other person’s emotional expectations of you. You fear that the other person’s feelings will pressure you to abandon your own romantic needs.
Fear of engulfment is one of the most common causes for the demise of new relationships, but it is carefully disguised in excuses like: "He just doesn’t turn me on." Or "I don’t feel any chemistry." Or "She’s too nice to hold my interest." Or "I need more of a challenge." Abandoholics tend to swing back and forth between fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. You’re either pursuing hard-to-get-lovers, or you’re feeling turned off by someone who IS interested in you.
What is Abando-phobism?
Abandophobics are so afraid of rejection that they avoid relationships altogether.Abandophobics act out their fear of abandonment by remaining socially isolated, or by appearing to search for someone, when in fact they are pursuing people who are unattainable, all to avoid the risk of getting attached to a real prospect – someone who might abandon them sooner or later. There is a little abandophobism in every abandoholic. For both abandoholics and abandophobics, a negative attraction is more compelling than a positive one.You only feel attracted when you’re in pursuit. You wouldn’t join any club who would have you as a member, so you’re always reaching for someone out of reach.
How do abandoholism and abandophobism set in?
These patterns may have been cast in childhood. You struggled to get more attention from your parents but you were left feeling unfulfilled, which caused you to doubt your self-worth. Over time, you internalized this craving for approval and you learned to idealize others at your own expense. This became a pattern in your love-relationships.Now as an adult, you recreate this scenario by giving your love-partners all of your power, elevating them above yourself, recreating those old familiar yearnings you grew accustomed to as a child. Feeling emotionally deprived and "less-than" is what you’ve come to expect.
Why does the insecurity linger?
Recent scientific research shows that rather than dissipate, fear tends to incubate, gaining intensity over time. Insecurity increases with each romantic rejection, causing you to look to others for something you’ve become too powerless to give yourself: esteem. When you seek acceptance from a withholding partner, you place yourself in a one-down position, recreating the unequal dynamics you had with your parents or peers. You choreograph this scenario over and over.Conversely, you are unable to feel anything when someone freely admires or appreciates you.This abandonment compulsion is insidious. You didn’t know it was developing. Until now you didn’t have a name for it: Abandoholism is a new concept.
Insecurity is an aphrodisiac.
If you are a hard-core abandoholic, you’re drawn to a kind of love that is highly combustible. The hottest sex is when you’re trying to seduce a hard-to-get lover. Insecurity becomes your favorite aphrodisiac. These intoxicated states are produced when you sense emotional danger – the danger of your lover’s propensity to abandon you the minute you get attached. At the other end of the seesaw, you turn off and shut down when you happen to successfully win someone’s love. If your lover succumbs to your charms – heaven forbid – you suddenly feel too comfortable, too sure of him to stay interested. There’s not enough challenge to sustain your sexual energy. You interpret your turn-off as his not being right for you.
How about following your gut?
If you’re an abandoholic, following your gut is probably what got you into these patterns in the first place. Your gut gets you to pursue someone who makes your heart go pitter pat, not because he’s the right one, but because he arouses fear of abandonment. And your gut gets you to avoid someone who is truly trustworthy, because he doesn’t press the right insecurity buttons.Enrich your mind. Follow your wisdom. But until you overcome your abandonment compulsion, don’t follow your gut – it will only get you into trouble
– because your gut tells you that unavailable people are attractive.
Everyone Fights...
The first article to bring GULB back...
Everyone fights.
A few fightings and disagreements in a marriage or relationship is actually normal and healthy.
But do you know how to handle the quarrel and conflict?
It is key to you keeping your lover by your side and maintaining a LONG LASTING relationship and marriage!
..................................
Arguments happen. Not everyone is going to agree with everyone all of the time, nor should they expect to. But when you're in a relationship, the context of arguments can become very emotional, to a point when you can hurt the other's feelings. But there are ways that you can learn how to handle the situation, so that you both learn from the argument instead of ruin a relationship. The following are the 10 Tips:
#1 Don't Lecture
When you're in an adult relationship, you should treat each other like adults. When one person begins to lecture the other person about what they did wrong, it sets up a power divide that can create animosity and discord. Instead of trying to be 'right,' why not try to talk about what's going on to see how you can fix it?
#2 Don't sweat the small details
When you're in an argument, it's not beneficial to fight about little things that probably won't matter in a few days. Think about something before you bring it up and if you know that you won't ever remember the point in six months, you probably don't even need to mention it. The same rule applies for anything that happened well before the argument - stick to the argument at hand and focus only on those details.
#3 Don't take everything personally
When you're in the heat of an argument, you can become flustered and say things that you might not normally say. Realize that your partner is doing this as well, and that you want to focus on listening for the important stuff that they are saying, and dismissing things that may have been said in the fit of anger.
#4 Try not to yell
When emotions are high and tempers are flared, it's difficult to maintain your composure - especially when your partner is yelling too. But it's vital to your argument (as well as your health) to keep your voice low and calm. This helps to bring a little peace to the argument and will keep both partners from screaming at each other. And when you can actually hear each other, you'll be able to focus on the
real issues in a more mature manner.
#5 Avoid guilt trips
When you're hurt by someone, the first response is to try to hurt them back with some sort of guilt trip. But while this might seem like a good idea, it's actually helping to erode your relationship. You want to talk about the issues at hand and not assign blame to them. When you blame someone for something and try to make them feel guilty, you are saying that you are right and they are wrong - and that's no
way to have an argument that gets settled.
#6 Don't attack them
As tempting as it might be to get in some personal attacks when you're feeling mad, stop for a second to think about how it would make you feel. When you're trying to heal a
relationship bump, you want to focus on the issue at hand,
leaving personal attacks out of it. They're only going to
ruin any progress that you have made.
#7 Focus on one issue at a time
Like some of the previous advice, the best thing you can do is identify the problem that you are having and deal with that issue alone. When you start to talk about multiple issues, you will begin to confuse them and might not fully address them. You want to both figure out what is upsetting you the most, deal with it, and then move onto something else.
#8 Listen
As hard as it might seem to listen during an argument, it can help both of you determine what you need to do. The other person could be quite clearly telling you what they need to fix the problem, but if you're not listening, you're not using the solution that has been presented to you.
#9 Don't leave
Another hard thing to do is stick it out in an argument, but it will make sure that you are finishing what you have started. Even if you feel that you can't take anymore, tell your partner that you have to collect yourself for a moment, but that you will be back to finish the discussion.
#10 Be respectful
When you want the argument to be a learning experience instead of a fight, you will want to show your respect of the other person. Pay attention, ask questions as needed, make eye contact, and be calm. Together, you can work through whatever you are dealing with.
The above article is adopted, written by Dr Love of Love Foundation Pte Ltd.
Everyone fights.
A few fightings and disagreements in a marriage or relationship is actually normal and healthy.
But do you know how to handle the quarrel and conflict?
It is key to you keeping your lover by your side and maintaining a LONG LASTING relationship and marriage!
..................................
Arguments happen. Not everyone is going to agree with everyone all of the time, nor should they expect to. But when you're in a relationship, the context of arguments can become very emotional, to a point when you can hurt the other's feelings. But there are ways that you can learn how to handle the situation, so that you both learn from the argument instead of ruin a relationship. The following are the 10 Tips:
#1 Don't Lecture
When you're in an adult relationship, you should treat each other like adults. When one person begins to lecture the other person about what they did wrong, it sets up a power divide that can create animosity and discord. Instead of trying to be 'right,' why not try to talk about what's going on to see how you can fix it?
#2 Don't sweat the small details
When you're in an argument, it's not beneficial to fight about little things that probably won't matter in a few days. Think about something before you bring it up and if you know that you won't ever remember the point in six months, you probably don't even need to mention it. The same rule applies for anything that happened well before the argument - stick to the argument at hand and focus only on those details.
#3 Don't take everything personally
When you're in the heat of an argument, you can become flustered and say things that you might not normally say. Realize that your partner is doing this as well, and that you want to focus on listening for the important stuff that they are saying, and dismissing things that may have been said in the fit of anger.
#4 Try not to yell
When emotions are high and tempers are flared, it's difficult to maintain your composure - especially when your partner is yelling too. But it's vital to your argument (as well as your health) to keep your voice low and calm. This helps to bring a little peace to the argument and will keep both partners from screaming at each other. And when you can actually hear each other, you'll be able to focus on the
real issues in a more mature manner.
#5 Avoid guilt trips
When you're hurt by someone, the first response is to try to hurt them back with some sort of guilt trip. But while this might seem like a good idea, it's actually helping to erode your relationship. You want to talk about the issues at hand and not assign blame to them. When you blame someone for something and try to make them feel guilty, you are saying that you are right and they are wrong - and that's no
way to have an argument that gets settled.
#6 Don't attack them
As tempting as it might be to get in some personal attacks when you're feeling mad, stop for a second to think about how it would make you feel. When you're trying to heal a
relationship bump, you want to focus on the issue at hand,
leaving personal attacks out of it. They're only going to
ruin any progress that you have made.
#7 Focus on one issue at a time
Like some of the previous advice, the best thing you can do is identify the problem that you are having and deal with that issue alone. When you start to talk about multiple issues, you will begin to confuse them and might not fully address them. You want to both figure out what is upsetting you the most, deal with it, and then move onto something else.
#8 Listen
As hard as it might seem to listen during an argument, it can help both of you determine what you need to do. The other person could be quite clearly telling you what they need to fix the problem, but if you're not listening, you're not using the solution that has been presented to you.
#9 Don't leave
Another hard thing to do is stick it out in an argument, but it will make sure that you are finishing what you have started. Even if you feel that you can't take anymore, tell your partner that you have to collect yourself for a moment, but that you will be back to finish the discussion.
#10 Be respectful
When you want the argument to be a learning experience instead of a fight, you will want to show your respect of the other person. Pay attention, ask questions as needed, make eye contact, and be calm. Together, you can work through whatever you are dealing with.
The above article is adopted, written by Dr Love of Love Foundation Pte Ltd.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
GULB is officially back! =)
Dear Readers,
GULB is officially coming back by the end of this week.
Kindly give me some time to organise the next few topics and I am sure that they will be of valuable advice. :)
I hope that i have not keep you all waiting for long.
Email me @ geturlifeback@gmail.com if you need any personal advice, or want me to share on any particular topics too.
Cheers to all.
GULB is officially coming back by the end of this week.
Kindly give me some time to organise the next few topics and I am sure that they will be of valuable advice. :)
I hope that i have not keep you all waiting for long.
Email me @ geturlifeback@gmail.com if you need any personal advice, or want me to share on any particular topics too.
Cheers to all.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
A touch of Friendship
Time to get away from love and romance for just this blog entry. =)
Friendship. Something that is simple yet hard to maintain at the same time.
I am the sort of person who will do anything for a friend, and one thing I am proud to say, is that I truly have friends around me who have extend a helping hand to me when I needed help, and shared the tears and laughters of my life.
Look around you, look at the people whom you call a friend. Are they truly your friends? Friendship last as long as how important both parties deem it is. It can be so strong for some, yet so fragile for others.
How to maintain a good friendship with a friend or friends that you truly appreciate and care for?
Frankly speaking, maintaining friendships and relationships, it is all pretty much the same, certain factors e.g. committment varies on how important the friend is to you.
Now the real problem lies in,
How to be a good friend? How to know if you are one?
When your friend meets with certain problems in life, although you might not be able to give him/her proper advices, it will be good to just be by him/her side to let him/her know that they are not alone. Not much people will be able to offer good advices on relationship/work-related problem, unless you are specifically a love coach or a consultant in some fields etc. Therefore it is highly not advisable to give advice to your friend if you are not strong in that field.
Being a good friend is simply being there for the person when he/she needs you. How much information you want to share between each other really depends on how close the two of you all are. So for this, I won't be able to say much, but trust is the main factor here. How much you are willing to share, is how much you trust a person. However, certain limitations comes especially when you two are colleagues or even direct competitors of each other.
Being a good friend requires you to be understanding. I always believe that anything and everything can be ironed out. Especially misunderstanding. A lot of friendships "broke" because of misunderstanding. It is because everyone always deem that friendship is nothing important, thus not putting in any effort to try to understand what went wrong, and to take the extra step to solve the problem.
Losing a friend is something really painful to me. However, it depends on how i lost the friend. If it is due to unforseen circumstances, or simply the friend refuse to explain to me why, I guess I will just let it go. No point pondering over it, especially if you know that the reason is going to be fake (which is usually very obvious).
I seriously urge everyone out there to review the friendships you have with your friends around you now. Keep your good friends closer to you, because these are the people who really cares for you. Make the extra effort to get to know them more (if you haven't), it really does helps to boost the friendship. =)
Remember, friendship is just as important as relationship, noone can live without a friend. =)
Friendship. Something that is simple yet hard to maintain at the same time.
I am the sort of person who will do anything for a friend, and one thing I am proud to say, is that I truly have friends around me who have extend a helping hand to me when I needed help, and shared the tears and laughters of my life.
Look around you, look at the people whom you call a friend. Are they truly your friends? Friendship last as long as how important both parties deem it is. It can be so strong for some, yet so fragile for others.
How to maintain a good friendship with a friend or friends that you truly appreciate and care for?
Frankly speaking, maintaining friendships and relationships, it is all pretty much the same, certain factors e.g. committment varies on how important the friend is to you.
Now the real problem lies in,
How to be a good friend? How to know if you are one?
When your friend meets with certain problems in life, although you might not be able to give him/her proper advices, it will be good to just be by him/her side to let him/her know that they are not alone. Not much people will be able to offer good advices on relationship/work-related problem, unless you are specifically a love coach or a consultant in some fields etc. Therefore it is highly not advisable to give advice to your friend if you are not strong in that field.
Being a good friend is simply being there for the person when he/she needs you. How much information you want to share between each other really depends on how close the two of you all are. So for this, I won't be able to say much, but trust is the main factor here. How much you are willing to share, is how much you trust a person. However, certain limitations comes especially when you two are colleagues or even direct competitors of each other.
Being a good friend requires you to be understanding. I always believe that anything and everything can be ironed out. Especially misunderstanding. A lot of friendships "broke" because of misunderstanding. It is because everyone always deem that friendship is nothing important, thus not putting in any effort to try to understand what went wrong, and to take the extra step to solve the problem.
Losing a friend is something really painful to me. However, it depends on how i lost the friend. If it is due to unforseen circumstances, or simply the friend refuse to explain to me why, I guess I will just let it go. No point pondering over it, especially if you know that the reason is going to be fake (which is usually very obvious).
I seriously urge everyone out there to review the friendships you have with your friends around you now. Keep your good friends closer to you, because these are the people who really cares for you. Make the extra effort to get to know them more (if you haven't), it really does helps to boost the friendship. =)
Remember, friendship is just as important as relationship, noone can live without a friend. =)
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