Abandoholism
You’ve heard of food-oholism, work-oholism, shop-oholism and, of course, alcoholism. Now here comes another, most insidious, addictive pattern – aband-oholism. Abandoholism is a tendency to become attracted to unavailable partners. Many abandonment survivors are caught up in this painful pattern. Abandoholism is similar to the other ‘oholisms, but instead of being addicted to a substance, you’re addicted to the emotional drama of heartbreak. You pursue hard-to-get partners to keep the romantic intensity going, and to keep your body’s love-chemicals and stress hormones flowing.
What makes someone an abandoholic?
Abandoholism sets in when you’ve been hurt so many times that you’ve come to equate insecurity with love. Unless you’re pursuing someone you’re insecure about, you don’t feel in love.
Conversely, when someone comes along who wants to be with you, that person’s availability fails to arouse the required level of insecurity. If you can’t feel those yearning, lovesick feelings, then you don’t feel attracted, so you keep pursuing unavailable partners.
You become psychobiologically addicted to the high stakes drama of an emotional challenge and the love-chemicals that go with it. Abandoholism is driven by both fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment.
When you’re attracted to someone, it arouses a fear of losing that person. This fear causes you to become clingy and needy. You try to hide your insecurity, but your desperation shows through, causing your partners to lose romantic interest in you. They sense your emotional suction cups aiming straight toward them and it scares them away.
Fear of engulfment is at the opposite end of the spectrum. It occurs when someone is pursuing you and now you’re the one pulling back. You feel engulfed by that person’s desire to be with you. When fear of engulfment kicks in, you panic. Your feelings shut down. You no longer feel the connection. The panic is about your fear of being engulfed by the other person’s emotional expectations of you. You fear that the other person’s feelings will pressure you to abandon your own romantic needs.
Fear of engulfment is one of the most common causes for the demise of new relationships, but it is carefully disguised in excuses like: "He just doesn’t turn me on." Or "I don’t feel any chemistry." Or "She’s too nice to hold my interest." Or "I need more of a challenge." Abandoholics tend to swing back and forth between fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment. You’re either pursuing hard-to-get-lovers, or you’re feeling turned off by someone who IS interested in you.
What is Abando-phobism?
Abandophobics are so afraid of rejection that they avoid relationships altogether.Abandophobics act out their fear of abandonment by remaining socially isolated, or by appearing to search for someone, when in fact they are pursuing people who are unattainable, all to avoid the risk of getting attached to a real prospect – someone who might abandon them sooner or later. There is a little abandophobism in every abandoholic. For both abandoholics and abandophobics, a negative attraction is more compelling than a positive one.You only feel attracted when you’re in pursuit. You wouldn’t join any club who would have you as a member, so you’re always reaching for someone out of reach.
How do abandoholism and abandophobism set in?
These patterns may have been cast in childhood. You struggled to get more attention from your parents but you were left feeling unfulfilled, which caused you to doubt your self-worth. Over time, you internalized this craving for approval and you learned to idealize others at your own expense. This became a pattern in your love-relationships.Now as an adult, you recreate this scenario by giving your love-partners all of your power, elevating them above yourself, recreating those old familiar yearnings you grew accustomed to as a child. Feeling emotionally deprived and "less-than" is what you’ve come to expect.
Why does the insecurity linger?
Recent scientific research shows that rather than dissipate, fear tends to incubate, gaining intensity over time. Insecurity increases with each romantic rejection, causing you to look to others for something you’ve become too powerless to give yourself: esteem. When you seek acceptance from a withholding partner, you place yourself in a one-down position, recreating the unequal dynamics you had with your parents or peers. You choreograph this scenario over and over.Conversely, you are unable to feel anything when someone freely admires or appreciates you.This abandonment compulsion is insidious. You didn’t know it was developing. Until now you didn’t have a name for it: Abandoholism is a new concept.
Insecurity is an aphrodisiac.
If you are a hard-core abandoholic, you’re drawn to a kind of love that is highly combustible. The hottest sex is when you’re trying to seduce a hard-to-get lover. Insecurity becomes your favorite aphrodisiac. These intoxicated states are produced when you sense emotional danger – the danger of your lover’s propensity to abandon you the minute you get attached. At the other end of the seesaw, you turn off and shut down when you happen to successfully win someone’s love. If your lover succumbs to your charms – heaven forbid – you suddenly feel too comfortable, too sure of him to stay interested. There’s not enough challenge to sustain your sexual energy. You interpret your turn-off as his not being right for you.
How about following your gut?
If you’re an abandoholic, following your gut is probably what got you into these patterns in the first place. Your gut gets you to pursue someone who makes your heart go pitter pat, not because he’s the right one, but because he arouses fear of abandonment. And your gut gets you to avoid someone who is truly trustworthy, because he doesn’t press the right insecurity buttons.Enrich your mind. Follow your wisdom. But until you overcome your abandonment compulsion, don’t follow your gut – it will only get you into trouble
– because your gut tells you that unavailable people are attractive.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Everyone Fights...
The first article to bring GULB back...
Everyone fights.
A few fightings and disagreements in a marriage or relationship is actually normal and healthy.
But do you know how to handle the quarrel and conflict?
It is key to you keeping your lover by your side and maintaining a LONG LASTING relationship and marriage!
..................................
Arguments happen. Not everyone is going to agree with everyone all of the time, nor should they expect to. But when you're in a relationship, the context of arguments can become very emotional, to a point when you can hurt the other's feelings. But there are ways that you can learn how to handle the situation, so that you both learn from the argument instead of ruin a relationship. The following are the 10 Tips:
#1 Don't Lecture
When you're in an adult relationship, you should treat each other like adults. When one person begins to lecture the other person about what they did wrong, it sets up a power divide that can create animosity and discord. Instead of trying to be 'right,' why not try to talk about what's going on to see how you can fix it?
#2 Don't sweat the small details
When you're in an argument, it's not beneficial to fight about little things that probably won't matter in a few days. Think about something before you bring it up and if you know that you won't ever remember the point in six months, you probably don't even need to mention it. The same rule applies for anything that happened well before the argument - stick to the argument at hand and focus only on those details.
#3 Don't take everything personally
When you're in the heat of an argument, you can become flustered and say things that you might not normally say. Realize that your partner is doing this as well, and that you want to focus on listening for the important stuff that they are saying, and dismissing things that may have been said in the fit of anger.
#4 Try not to yell
When emotions are high and tempers are flared, it's difficult to maintain your composure - especially when your partner is yelling too. But it's vital to your argument (as well as your health) to keep your voice low and calm. This helps to bring a little peace to the argument and will keep both partners from screaming at each other. And when you can actually hear each other, you'll be able to focus on the
real issues in a more mature manner.
#5 Avoid guilt trips
When you're hurt by someone, the first response is to try to hurt them back with some sort of guilt trip. But while this might seem like a good idea, it's actually helping to erode your relationship. You want to talk about the issues at hand and not assign blame to them. When you blame someone for something and try to make them feel guilty, you are saying that you are right and they are wrong - and that's no
way to have an argument that gets settled.
#6 Don't attack them
As tempting as it might be to get in some personal attacks when you're feeling mad, stop for a second to think about how it would make you feel. When you're trying to heal a
relationship bump, you want to focus on the issue at hand,
leaving personal attacks out of it. They're only going to
ruin any progress that you have made.
#7 Focus on one issue at a time
Like some of the previous advice, the best thing you can do is identify the problem that you are having and deal with that issue alone. When you start to talk about multiple issues, you will begin to confuse them and might not fully address them. You want to both figure out what is upsetting you the most, deal with it, and then move onto something else.
#8 Listen
As hard as it might seem to listen during an argument, it can help both of you determine what you need to do. The other person could be quite clearly telling you what they need to fix the problem, but if you're not listening, you're not using the solution that has been presented to you.
#9 Don't leave
Another hard thing to do is stick it out in an argument, but it will make sure that you are finishing what you have started. Even if you feel that you can't take anymore, tell your partner that you have to collect yourself for a moment, but that you will be back to finish the discussion.
#10 Be respectful
When you want the argument to be a learning experience instead of a fight, you will want to show your respect of the other person. Pay attention, ask questions as needed, make eye contact, and be calm. Together, you can work through whatever you are dealing with.
The above article is adopted, written by Dr Love of Love Foundation Pte Ltd.
Everyone fights.
A few fightings and disagreements in a marriage or relationship is actually normal and healthy.
But do you know how to handle the quarrel and conflict?
It is key to you keeping your lover by your side and maintaining a LONG LASTING relationship and marriage!
..................................
Arguments happen. Not everyone is going to agree with everyone all of the time, nor should they expect to. But when you're in a relationship, the context of arguments can become very emotional, to a point when you can hurt the other's feelings. But there are ways that you can learn how to handle the situation, so that you both learn from the argument instead of ruin a relationship. The following are the 10 Tips:
#1 Don't Lecture
When you're in an adult relationship, you should treat each other like adults. When one person begins to lecture the other person about what they did wrong, it sets up a power divide that can create animosity and discord. Instead of trying to be 'right,' why not try to talk about what's going on to see how you can fix it?
#2 Don't sweat the small details
When you're in an argument, it's not beneficial to fight about little things that probably won't matter in a few days. Think about something before you bring it up and if you know that you won't ever remember the point in six months, you probably don't even need to mention it. The same rule applies for anything that happened well before the argument - stick to the argument at hand and focus only on those details.
#3 Don't take everything personally
When you're in the heat of an argument, you can become flustered and say things that you might not normally say. Realize that your partner is doing this as well, and that you want to focus on listening for the important stuff that they are saying, and dismissing things that may have been said in the fit of anger.
#4 Try not to yell
When emotions are high and tempers are flared, it's difficult to maintain your composure - especially when your partner is yelling too. But it's vital to your argument (as well as your health) to keep your voice low and calm. This helps to bring a little peace to the argument and will keep both partners from screaming at each other. And when you can actually hear each other, you'll be able to focus on the
real issues in a more mature manner.
#5 Avoid guilt trips
When you're hurt by someone, the first response is to try to hurt them back with some sort of guilt trip. But while this might seem like a good idea, it's actually helping to erode your relationship. You want to talk about the issues at hand and not assign blame to them. When you blame someone for something and try to make them feel guilty, you are saying that you are right and they are wrong - and that's no
way to have an argument that gets settled.
#6 Don't attack them
As tempting as it might be to get in some personal attacks when you're feeling mad, stop for a second to think about how it would make you feel. When you're trying to heal a
relationship bump, you want to focus on the issue at hand,
leaving personal attacks out of it. They're only going to
ruin any progress that you have made.
#7 Focus on one issue at a time
Like some of the previous advice, the best thing you can do is identify the problem that you are having and deal with that issue alone. When you start to talk about multiple issues, you will begin to confuse them and might not fully address them. You want to both figure out what is upsetting you the most, deal with it, and then move onto something else.
#8 Listen
As hard as it might seem to listen during an argument, it can help both of you determine what you need to do. The other person could be quite clearly telling you what they need to fix the problem, but if you're not listening, you're not using the solution that has been presented to you.
#9 Don't leave
Another hard thing to do is stick it out in an argument, but it will make sure that you are finishing what you have started. Even if you feel that you can't take anymore, tell your partner that you have to collect yourself for a moment, but that you will be back to finish the discussion.
#10 Be respectful
When you want the argument to be a learning experience instead of a fight, you will want to show your respect of the other person. Pay attention, ask questions as needed, make eye contact, and be calm. Together, you can work through whatever you are dealing with.
The above article is adopted, written by Dr Love of Love Foundation Pte Ltd.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
GULB is officially back! =)
Dear Readers,
GULB is officially coming back by the end of this week.
Kindly give me some time to organise the next few topics and I am sure that they will be of valuable advice. :)
I hope that i have not keep you all waiting for long.
Email me @ geturlifeback@gmail.com if you need any personal advice, or want me to share on any particular topics too.
Cheers to all.
GULB is officially coming back by the end of this week.
Kindly give me some time to organise the next few topics and I am sure that they will be of valuable advice. :)
I hope that i have not keep you all waiting for long.
Email me @ geturlifeback@gmail.com if you need any personal advice, or want me to share on any particular topics too.
Cheers to all.
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